Tobacco is a Vegetable
by Ray-Chan
Summary: .or "Nagi Learns to Drive". No yaoi. Just insanity. Schwarz in the car with Naoe Nagi at the wheel...


NO yaoi in this fic. I apologize! ..my first non-yaoi fanfic. ::cringes::  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own them. Willing to buy them. (.or at least SchuSchu)  
  
WARNING: HUMOR. NO yaoi. Don't worry. Just insanity. ^_~.  
  
Dedication: To my f%*ked up muse Sakura-chan and to my bud Usagi. (::grumbling:: stupid yaoi haters.)  
  
1 Tobacco is a Vegetable  
  
1.1 By Ray-Chan  
  
  
  
"You want me to WHAT?!?!?" Crawford blanched.  
  
"Che.You really are an idiot, Nagi. Do it yourself."  
  
"I CAN'T, Schuldich!" The Japanese boy glared back at the redhead. "I need a chaperone over twenty-five! I can't drive without a chaperone!"  
  
"Nagi's learning to drive? Hee hee! God will cry when Nagi crashes Crawford's car!"  
  
"I will NOT crash the car! Pleeeeeze Crawford?!?" ::wobbly puppy eyes:: "Onegaiiiiiiiiii?!?!"  
  
"...If you crash my car I'm putting you back on the streets."  
  
"YAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!" Nagi jumped up and down while madly squeezing his Pikachu plushie. ..okay, maybe he just stood there with a almost pleased smile. Still..  
  
"Let's go!" Nagi darted out to the garage followed closely by Schuldich. Crawford stared after them, then turned to Farfarello, eyebrow raised.  
  
"Are you coming, too?"  
  
" ...can I kill Nagi if he crashes?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then I'll go."  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
"Okay, Nagi. Now just step on the foot brake and release the parking brake. Then shift into reve-.. What the HELL is that smell?!?!!?"  
  
Crawford turned and glared at Schuldich who was sitting in the back seat smoking with a cocky grin.  
  
"Schuldich..you do NOT smoke in my car!"  
  
The redhead blew a thick stream of carbon monoxide into Crawford's face.  
  
"I'm staying healthy, Crawford-chan. Tobacco is a vegetable ya know!"  
  
The cigarette was suddenly plucked from Schuldich's mouth, and the German watched horrified as a scowling Farfarello threw the butt to the car's floor and ground it into the carpet with his boot.  
  
"AAAACK! FARFIE!!!"  
  
The psycho shrugged and settled back into his own seat with a satisfied smirk. Crawford grit his teeth and glared at the redhead.  
  
"That's coming out of your paycheck, Schuldich."  
  
"WHAT?! DAMMIT!!!!!"  
  
"Hee hee! The car's rolling away!"  
  
Crawford turned quickly back to the front just in time to see a mailox and some trees zoom by.  
  
"Nagi! The foot brake! HIT THE FOOT BRAKE!!!"  
  
Nagi fumbled around for a second before slamming his foot down. ...right onto the acceleration...  
  
Schuldich screamed, Farfarello sweatdropped, and Crawford grabbed Nagi's arm roughly.  
  
"Car! Car! LOOKOUT!"  
  
  
  
Nagi blanched and, for anything, he looked like a deer caught in headlights. ...which wasn't really that far from the truth considering the oncoming car heading straight for them.  
  
Crawford frantically clawed at the dashboard, fingers closing in a deathgrip, not noticing Schuldich clinging to Nagi's headrest or that Farfie had stopped licking his knives and was now cackling evilly.  
  
"NAGI! GO RIGHT!!!"  
  
"TURN LEFT! TURN LEFT!!!"  
  
"Go UP!!! (...hee hee hee!)"  
  
"....AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!"  
  
The small Japanese panicked, hands rising to shield his eyes from the sure- crash situation. When the jolt came though, it was surprisingly light. He opened his eyes and peered around, surprised to find the car in a cornfield not far from the road. More surprising though was that the car, and the four inside, were unharmed.  
  
"Wha-? What happened?"  
  
Schuldich sneered.  
  
"You floated the car off the road just in time and landed us down in a cornfield, Dipshit."  
  
Farfie was calmly licking his knives once again.  
  
"I TOLD you to go up. I was right. That made God cry. God doesn't like it when I'm right."  
  
"Farfie, don't be stupid." Schuldich leaned forward between the two front seats and grabbed Nagi's collar, shaking him violently. "What the hell were you thinking?! Didn't they teach you ANYTHING in Driver's Ed.?! You're trying to get all of us killed aren't you?!?!"  
  
"I-I-I...t-triiii...wa-aaa-ssss..."  
  
Schuldich stopped shaking the boy but kept his death-grip on Nagi's shirt.  
  
"WHAT?!?!"  
  
"I tried turning but when I slammed on the brakes, the steering locked."  
  
"NO IT DIDN'T!!! YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO *KILL* ME!!! ...Nagi....**SHI NE**!!!!!!!!"  
  
"...-ulk!"  
  
It took Farfarello nearly two minutes to pry the redhead's hands from where they were locked around Nagi's throat. Cackling evilly, he shoved Schuldich back into his seat and bound his hands and upper body with all available seat belts.  
  
"AAAGH! Dammit! Let me up! Crawford, make him untie me! ......Uh Crawford? Yo Brad, are you okay?"  
  
Crawford was still gripping the dashboard, his fingers pale from the lack of blood getting to the digits. The three stared at the American who just fixed his gaze ahead, eyes glazed over.  
  
"I think you killed him, Nagi."  
  
"No I didn't! Wake up, Crawford!"  
  
"Hee hee! Nagi killed Crawford. That made God cry!"  
  
"I did NOT kill him! Dammit Crawford!"  
  
"...Ennnnnnngg........"  
  
"He's alive! ALLLLIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!"  
  
"Shut up, Schuldich!"  
  
"N-Nagi?"  
  
"Crawford?"  
  
"Why do *I* have to teach you how to drive?"  
  
Because you're the only one I know over twenty-five! My chaperone has to be twenty-five!"  
  
The American glanced back at Schuldich bound in the back seat next to a grinning/happily knife licking Farfarello.  
  
"Then why are THEY here?"  
  
Farfarello shrugged.  
  
"Ran out of tranquilizers."  
  
"I was BOOOOOORED! And now Nagi's trying to KIIIILLLL ME!!!!!!"  
  
Crawford cringed at the German's whiny nasal voice and turned to Nagi, fierce glare promising a very swift and painful death.  
  
"You're supposed to cover the brake and press lightly so the steering doesn't lock."  
  
Scowling, Nagi crossed his arms and glared back.  
  
"Well how the hell was I supposed to know THAT?!?!"  
  
"They teach you in Driver's Ed., moron!"  
  
"Shut up, Schuldich!"  
  
"Make me, bitch! ....Mmph!"  
  
Nagi smiled a genuine smile after mentally stuffing the sleeve of Farfarello's discarded straightjacket into Schuldich's mouth.  
  
// Ah ...Sweet silence... //  
  
"Nagi, have you been cutting Driver's Ed.?"  
  
// ...Damn! //  
  
"Ummm....well no. I'm there, it's just that I'm BORED! But I've never cut that cl-"  
  
"You were sleeping weren't you?"  
  
"...Uhhhhhhh......"  
  
"Hee hee! Nagi sleeps through Driver's Ed.! That makes God cry!"  
  
"Really? Why?"  
  
"Cause then you swerve into little kids and they go *SPLAT* on the road!" he accentuated the comment with a joyful clap of his hands. "Yessss! Lotsa little *splats*! Little oozy kid-puddles all along the ro-"  
  
"EWWWWW!!! FARFIE!!!!!"  
  
"Heh heh heh."  
  
"He's right though, Nagi." Crawford watched the Japanese boy squirm under his strict gaze. "Have you actually learned ANYTHING in Driver's Ed.?"  
  
"Weeeeeeell.... I know how to start a car! You just stick the key in the little hole starter-turner-on thingy.....um yeah."  
  
"...the ignition?"  
  
"Oh right! That was it!"  
  
His grin quickly faded when he saw Schuldich's slender arched eyebrow and Farfarello staring at him trying to suppress another maniac cackle.  
  
"...Nagi, get out of the car."  
  
"But Crawford! I need practice! I can't get my license if I don't driver a certain number of hours!"  
  
"Then the world will be a little safer. Now get out. I'm driving."  
  
"DAMMIT!!!!!"  
  
~*~* OWARI *~*~ 


End file.
